March 4th marked the 7 year anniversary of my father’s death. The weekend was full of growth opportunities; multiple days of Ohio Valley dark grey skies, the height of my menstrual cycle, and a flood of feelings since I hadn’t over-scheduled myself to avoid them. Despite all my work toward being present, John had many chances to catch the flying debris from this tornado.
On my way to work Monday morning to lead another breath, I heard Only The Good Die Young by Billy Joel, which dad thought was a product of the antichrist until he lost his best friend at an early age. My body filled with joy from his presence and laughter around the irony of a lifetime living, sure of our convictions, all to be flipped on its side toward the end.
Grief for me is one of the craziest emotions we get to experience, and when it can turn to joy or pure love in the flip of a switch, I recognize how much we create our own life experiences.
I was really proud of myself for noticing when I would start to spiral and self-correct instead this weekend. This might mark the first time doing that…ever. I would get in my head and feel down then remember to take 5-HTP, I practiced Xyngyi energy movement, and I was gifted the opportunity to socialize with friends and surround myself in Spirit. So many beautiful gifts showered me, including the reflection from a man who gently holds my heart while I express my needs.
Dad is with me always, and I’m grateful that I get to experience him differently now than when he was physically here. He taught me how to grieve, how to believe, and from the moment I met him, how to love unconditionally.
I think what I was grieving this weekend was his voice that came Monday morning with the sun. I spent a lot of time processing and slowing down to allow whatever was there to rise, and relished in that thin line.